My head hurts, is the first conclusion that comes to me after I wake up. The second is that something has gone terribly wrong. We (my brother, Tenel Ka, Lowie, and I) had been on Chandrila doing . . . something, I’m sure we had to be there for a reason. Maybe we were settling some dispute. Seems like something Jedi would do. But then the alarms were ringing, and I heard my brother telling me that we had to fight, to protect the people. I got up, worried about what would happen, and worried I would be caught. My old friend Anja had given me a nasty little habit before she died.

Anja was a spice addict, and not very subtle about it once we found out. After watching my brother try to tell Tenel Ka about his feelings for the millionth time, and seeing her almost say the same to him, I got depressed. Everyone at the Jedi Academy was so couple-y, and it made me sick. Sick with jealousy, perhaps, but lonely and depressed above all else. Anja had been in a similar predicament at the time, (she usually “guy hopped” around the academy, but right then she was between victims) and offered me a little spice. Not the same kind she took; this one was a mood-booster of sorts, and it made me laugh and laugh.

Anja and I were much closer friends after that. She kept me supplied with spice, and I was her friend. I took on the difficult task of defending her spice habit whenever my brother started feeling self-righteous. Then he found out I was doing spice too, and started getting on my case also. Shouldn’t surprise me too much, he always could tell when I was up to something.

So Jacen would lecture me about spice every so often. But I made sure to be slightly high whenever he did, as this disgusted him somewhat and got him to leave me alone faster. I told Anja about it and she thought it was damn funny. But that could have been because she was high. It was always hard to tell about Anja.

I miss Anja now. She’s dead, dead and gone and who will give me the spice now? She left me all that she had, lots of the strength and reflexes kind she used to fight better. I never liked that stuff very much, it would always make me throw up. Now I can’t even remember what it was called. There was some of my kind of spice left, enough to last me about a month. Then I started trading her kind for mine, which was good to me because her kind was more valuable than mine, and I got lots of the good stuff in return for hers.

Sometimes I think Anja will be with me, and we’ll take our spice and laugh the way we used to. But then I remember how she died. We had just left the academy for good, and were visiting Danthomir when it happened. We were riding rancors, going to some cave, I think. Anja’s went sorta crazy all of a sudden and threw her from her mount. I was riding further back, and couldn’t really see what was going on. But I could hear it.

Anja’s rancor was roaring and snarling, making an awful lot of noise. It hurt my ears. I could hear Anja screaming, and the sound of bones snapping. Everyone else was trying to stop what was happening, but it was no use. The rancor had eaten Anja. I wasn’t too surprised. She had told me she was going to give her’s a taste of spice, see what it would do. I guess it didn’t do what she expected.

I told the Singing Mountain clan what Anja had done, and they got very serious and debated over whether or not they should kill the offending rancor. But they were always serious, so I didn’t pay them any attention. I remembered what I heard when Anja died, the screams and sounds of her bones cracking and of the voices of the others when the tried to help her. I started laughing then, it always made me feel better. Everyone looked at me as if I was crazy. But I didn’t mind. I was laughing for such a long time and then I began to cry. They still thought I was crazy. I guess I am crazy, but only in the literal sense.

My head is spinning now. Everywhere I look there is the same color, same monotone gray. I don’t know if there’s a door. Seems like there should be, but I don’t see one. I might see more if I didn’t lie on my stomach, but it would be such a hassle to move. How did I get here?

Oh, I can remember that now. I was fighting the stormtroopers, and I must have lost. They attacked the city we were staying in, I don’t know why. I remember my brother saying something about the old Shadow Academy the night before, I suppose it could have something to do with that. Maybe that’s why we were on a planet in the core systems. The core worlds still house the remains of the Empire. But the Empire’s been so quiet of late, there haven’t been any uprisings since Shadow Academy.

I think I should have been able to hold those stormtroopers off. But I was being so careful not to take my spice. I had been about to take some when my brother rushed into my room to tell me what was going on. I already had it in my mouth, and was being very careful to not work it out of the plastic after he told me. The inhabitants of the city were very strict about their no spice laws, but rules don’t bother me as long as I don’t get caught breaking them. Which was why I had to be careful about not being caught, I had to keep my spice hidden very well and to put it in my mouth with the wrapper still on so I could get every last bit out. I could then throw the empty wrapper away, entirely clean of all spice.

That was why the stormtroopers got me. I was being so cautious about not taking the spice, because that would just make me laugh so hard that I wouldn’t be able to fight at all. And I couldn’t spit it out either, because I just couldn’t waste the stuff. Wouldn’t be right to throw the spice away. One of the stormtroopers must have stunned me from behind. I’d had all of the ones in front of me under control.

So now here I am, on my stomach in a little gray room with gray walls and a gray floor and probably a gray ceiling but I haven’t checked that yet. I feel like laughing. I think such a thing would be inappropriate right now, but I think I’m high too. Yeah, I’ve still got that wrapper in my mouth. I can taste the plastic. Prying it open with my tongue, I find it is about half full still. I should probably save it, I’ll want and need it later but it would be so nice to have it now. So that’s what I do.

I pull the remaining spice out and place it under my tongue. Such a feeling! I tingle and shake all over, and for a split second I can even see the tiny molecules on the gray floor. When that passes, I spit the wrapper out. Wouldn’t want to choke in my happiness.

Some time goes by. I don’t feel it because I’m so high I’m afraid I might float away. I can hear things better when I’m like this. I can hear footsteps in what must be a hallway outside of my little room. At least two bipedals, maybe more. I think they’re coming for me. My head rests on its side on the floor. I reach out and take the wrapper to hide it in my pocket. It looked so sloppy where it was right then, I didn’t think it was proper to leave the disgusting thing around. There’s a smile on my face now, I can feel it. I must look crazy. That’s okay though, the people in movies always spare the crazy one. Or the crazy one is the one who goes out and kills everyone, but either way I survive.

I hear someone opening the door I didn’t think was there. The sounds of the keypad make me shiver. I should be scared of what will happen but I’m not. And that’s why I’m so afraid.

The door whooshes open and someone steps in. This person is wearing black boots. I like the boots. They are most definitely too big for me, but I like them still. The noise they make on the gray floor makes me laugh. Such a strange sound!

I hear a voice speaking to me. Sounds male, but I’m laughing so hard I can’t tell what he’s saying. I want to tell him how nice his boots are. He probably wouldn’t care. Makes me laugh harder. How some people can care so much about what others find absolutely trivial.

He keeps talking. His voice sounds a little familiar, but it could be the spice talking. Now that really is amusing. Since when does spice talk?

One of his black boots moves towards me. It tries to roll me over, but my laughter seems to hinder its efforts. I suppose I should help, it would be polite. With great difficulty I rotate myself around so that I’m in a sitting position, and then I see that the walls aren’t gray at all! In fact, they are many colors swimming around and around in my eyes. My head feels light and heavy at the same time. And the colors are so pretty that they make me laugh some more.

I can’t see the person with the boots now; I’m facing away from him. I feel his hand on my shoulder now, turning me around so I can see him. I can still only really see his knees, and a black cape. I think he’s wearing all black. I wonder why the people and places here have no color, except for the ones that spin in my head. It’s funny that he’s wearing a cape. Lando wears a cape. Lando’s a fruit.

I’m laughing about it now. I wonder if this person, who is most likely staring at me, is a fruit. Maybe he and Lando should get together. He’s pulling on my arm now, pulling me up. And up I go, where the walls spin some more with all of the beautiful colors of a rainbow.

I still can’t see him. I’m about eye level with his chest, and I can’t look up because I’m so dizzy. I hate being so short. He solves this problem for me by lifting my head so I can see his face. For a split second I don’t recognize him, and I merely stare into his green eyes. Such a wonderful color in a gray room. I realize then that this is Zekk, my old friend from Coruscant. I tear my eyes away from his, and look at the rest of his face. He is most definitely my Zekk, older than when I last saw him, so long ago in the forests of Kashyyyk. But damn did he get hot.

I have that wonderful ‘I told you so’ feeling right now. I knew he was attractive without all the grime covering his face the way it always did on Coruscant. I was going to tell him how great I thought he looked at my mother’s banquet, the last time I ever greeted him as a friend. But I got cold feet and said nothing. Maybe if I had told him he wouldn’t have run off with those Shadow Academy people.

He’s frowning at me now, I think he can tell about the spice. The wrapper half dangling from one of my pockets probably clued him in, if the laughing wasn’t enough. Makes me feel guilty. Zekk’s putting both of his hands on the sides of my head now, seems like a stupid thing to do. I try to laugh but his hold nearly stops me so it sounds as if I’m gasping for air. But then it doesn’t seem all that funny.

I’m angry at him now. He’s speeding up the effects of the spice! I should have at least half an hour left of fun, and from what he’s doing it’ll be over in less than a minute. I try to break away from him, but it doesn’t work. I think he’s using the force to keep me still. That’s not a very nice thing to do. I want to cry now, the after effects of my kind of spice. Too bad he can’t speed that up.

I am crying now. I feel the tears going down my cheeks. I’m not angry now; just sad. Sad because I know I’m addicted and there’s no way I can stop and I want some more so this feeling will go away. I think he knows. He’s looking at me. He seems sad too. I don’t know why.

He’s taking the empty spice wrapper from me now. I’m still crying. He frowns suddenly, and pull from the same pocket another, full packet of spice! My tears change to tears of joy, and I look at him eagerly. He’s still frowning, but I think he will give me the spice. He must be able to see how much I need it.

Or maybe not. He’s pocketing my spice! He still looks sad. He’ll be even sadder after I get through with him for taking my spice! He’s backing away from me, letting the stormtroopers close in. I didn’t even notice them. The two of them grab my arms roughly, and start pulling me away. I look back to see Zekk standing there, looking so depressed. I don’t know where the stormtroopers are taking me. I see a man walking over to Zekk. I recognize him as Brakiss. I thought he was dead. He looks so gay in his robes; they look like a dress. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

The stormtroopers take me around a corner and I can’t see Zekk any more. Seems they notice this too because they start to push me around a little. I wonder if they’re some of the “Lost Ones” that became stormtroopers. It would explain all of the shoving. Eventually they stop and open a door. There’s a tiny room, different from the open I had been in previously only because there’s a cot, and it’s dark inside. The push me inside, and I almost fall.

I hear the sound of the door closing behind me. I start to cry in earnest now, sobbing without a reason. It’s everything that makes me like this; my spice addiction, the loss of my friend Anja, even though Tenel Ka hated the smuggler, and I don’t know where my brother is and I miss Zekk terribly and I’m scared that he doesn’t care. But he has to, doesn’t he? He was upset when I was taken away. I’m tired now. I’m curling up on the little cot and crying myself to sleep. It’s better than being awake.

Zekk’s there when I wake up. He’s next to me on the cot and I’m sitting up being sick in a trash can I didn’t know was there. He’s holding me and telling me it’s gonna be all right. I don’t know how long it’s been. I think I’m going through withdrawal. I haven’t gone for very long without a little fix of spice for months. I think he knows. He always seems to know.

I’m done with the trash can now. He’s picking me up, which is good because I don’t think I can walk on my own. He’s saying that he’s going to take me to a med station, but I’m not sure because I can’t hear very well.

I think I fell asleep again because the next thing I know I’m being lowered into a bacta tank. I’ve got an oxygen mask on and everything. I can barely make out the figures of the medical droids outside of the tank. I can see Zekk too, before I pass out from the bacta.

I feel the droids lifting me out of the bacta. Seems I was in for about a week, maybe more according to the chrono on the wall. But I’m not sure when I was put in. The droids are wrapping me with towels and taking me away from the tanks. They take me to a refresher, and I endure the cycle of becoming clean of the healing, but putrid, bacta.

When I get out they hand me a set of clothes to wear that are not my own. I remember seeing similar garments on the willing students of the Shadow Academy years ago. I will not be like them. I will not be a dark Jedi, and I’m sure Brakiss knows it. When I am dressed the droids guide me out of the refresher rooms and back into the main med center.

I see Zekk waiting for me. He looks haggard, like he hasn’t slept in days. But he’s happy to see me. He immediately takes me away from the droids and walks me out of the med center. He’s talking to me, telling me how good it is to see me well. He’s saying other things, but I only nod mutely.

He takes me around the space station, (or at least I think it’s a space station) giving me a tour of sorts. We eventually reach the huge classroom where Brakiss teaches. Brakiss raises his eyebrows when he sees me with Zekk, and Zekk frowns before whisking me away from there.

He takes me back to the room with the cot. I think he knows I haven’t been listening. It makes me feel guilty, and I promise myself I won’t let it happen again. I sit on the cot, very low to the ground and stare up at him. Zekk sighs and kneels down so he’ll be closer to my eye level. A lock of his hair falls across his face and I reach to tuck it back behind his ear. I hope I haven’t offended him by doing so.

“Jaina,” he says slowly, aware that I’m listening this time. “I know you’re already fully trained as a Jedi. But I don’t want for you to be someone who’s out to stop what I do here. I want you to be on my side.”

“You know that I could never hurt you, Zekk.” The sound of my own voice is startling to me. I shiver a little and realize that I’m still not over my spice addiction, but the craving is significantly less.

“I know you wouldn’t.” He smiles at me gently. He’s still holding my hand. “But I want for you to stay with me, to be the kind of Jedi I have become.”

I shake my head. He knows I’ll never do that. “I can’t,” I whisper to him. He understands. When we were friends on Coruscant I think he knew me better than I knew myself. Maybe he still does.

“I know.” He says quietly, because even though I know he knows, the kind of understanding we have sometimes needs clarification.

He looks into my eyes for awhile before he stands up. Zekk squeezes my shoulder, a goodbye for now. He leaves and when the door shuts the lights go out. I try to go to sleep even though I’m not tired. It takes me a while to drift off.

My time at Shadow Academy passes like a waking dream. Zekk’s with me almost all the time. At first he would take me to some of Brakiss’s classes, a vain attempt to change my mind, I suppose. I usually fell asleep on his shoulder, despite the backless benches we sat on in the classroom. I would always wake up back in the little room with the cot, and Zekk would be there, smiling and probably laughing a little at my disinterest in what Brakiss taught.

I’ve got a habit of crying myself to sleep at Shadow Academy. I know it worries Zekk, and he tries to be with me at night before a fall asleep, as if his presence can stop my tears. I still cry about not knowing where my brother is, along with the rest of my friends. Every so often my spice addiction rears its ugly head and I shiver and shake uncontrollably for hours on end.

I know Zekk’s got a roll of spice stashed away somewhere on this ship, and I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve asked him for it, begging and groveling in the worst of ways but he doesn’t ever give in. I once told him I’d go over to the darkside if it meant I could have the spice. He just shook his head and looked at me sadly. I don’t think he’s really on the darkside; he’s just too nice to me.

I know I’m a source of constant stress for Zekk. I’m not sure why I’m still alive even, because I know if I’d been here years ago I would have been killed for certain, I never did anything productive and wasn’t about to become on of Brakiss’s Jedi students. I think I’m here because it would tear Zekk apart if I wasn’t.

We’re closer than we were on Coruscant, but Zekk and I are still so distant. Some nights when I’m crying stays with me the entire night, or he takes me back to his room to stay with him. At first I was hesitant about being in his room, but it was a hell of a lot nicer than the one I resided in. And I knew he wouldn’t do anything “inappropriate” because we weren’t like that.

But there are times when he seems so far away from me. The time when he was training with his lightsaber, for example. Shadow Academy still uses holographic monsters with an occasional real one. Zekk’s assembly-line lightsaber gave out for some reason, and the creature he was fighting was real. It slashed at his arm before he got it under control using the force. Brakiss gave him some lecture about the whole thing, I heard it had to do with Zekk hesitating to use the darkside to control the beast.

Zekk wasn’t permitted to go to the med center to take care of his wound, so I was the one who wrapped his arm in gauze and stopped the bleeding. I was so frightened for him! I was scared of a thousand things: the wound would get infected, Zekk would somehow blame the incident on me, or Brakiss would blame it on me and send me away or kill me, or something else would happen to Zekk that I couldn’t help him with. None of these things happened, but Zekk wouldn’t talk to me about it.

Zekk avoids telling me about his darkside activities. He won’t let me know anything about what he does in periodic meetings he attends to discuss the Empire’s situation. I think he’s glad that I didn’t join him; if I had then he wouldn’t have a distraction from his work at Shadow Academy.

He’s terribly protective of me. He gets angry at stormtroopers who look at me the wrong way. Zekk’s always there when I eat because he suspects that I won’t if he’s not with me.

The trainees here whisper about us behind our backs, but don’t say anything to Zekk’s face. They’re afraid of him. He’s the most powerful of Brakiss’s students, and isn’t really being taught anymore. Zekk does as he pleases, at the moment it pleases him to have me around and that’s why I’m still here.

I’ve been at Shadow Academy about a year now. My hair’s grown from being barely past my shoulders to half way down my pack. I think Zekk likes it long, so I don’t cut it. That and I don’t know who would cut it for me besides Zekk, and I don’t trust the combination of him with scissors and my hair.

I’m having a bad time tonight. Zekk’s in a meeting that’s run over and my spice addiction is eating at me again. I’m crying again, although now I cry as a habit more than anything else. I’ve almost given up on him when I sense him coming closer to me.

I sit up when he opens the door, and he immediately comes to my side. He’s upset about something too, and I feel that I comfort him as much as he comforts me. Zekk gathers me up in his arms and takes me from my room to his. I’ve been in there a lot lately. I know something big’s going on with the Empire, but Zekk won’t tell me anything, and I have a hard time caring about the Empire since I’ve been at the Shadow Academy.

We’ve got our own little schedule when I sleep in his room. I take some of the many clothes I’ve stolen from him over time and change in his refresher while he changes in the room. It always seems to take me longer.

We share his bed but as I’ve said before it’s not in that way. He holds me close as I tremble in my tears. I feel like he cares when we’re like this. Zekk strokes my hair and buries his face in my neck when he’s upset too, and that’s what he does now. It’s so comforting to me that I can feel his heart beat against mine, and it usually puts me to sleep. Soon enough I drift off into darkness with him still holding me.

Zekk’s shaking me awake. Shadow Academy’s under attack, we were taken by surprise, he says. I’m going to ask him who’s attacking us but then I notice the New Republic solders around us with their blasters aimed at our heads. I wonder if they think I’m an Imperial now, but I’m not one. I know they wouldn’t kill me because my mother’s still the chief of state. Well, maybe by now she’s not, but she would still have considerable power.

I just wish I knew for certain that they wouldn’t harm Zekk. He’s still holding me close, we’re sitting up now. I guess it would inappropriate to lie back down. I know what we must look like to these solders. Zekk sleeps without a shirt and I’ve stolen/borrowed one of his shirts to sleep in, it’s too large for me by far and one can’t see my shorts underneath.

I can barely make out the sounds of fighting outside Zekk’s room. I don’t think anyone’s being killed; the New Republic tends to avoid that sort of thing. Suddenly I sense someone familiar. My brother! At first I’m overjoyed, and I let Zekk know he’s here. Zekk smiles grimly, and looks at the solders warily.

I call out to Jacen, to let him know where I am. I regret doing so almost immediately, because my little brother tends to jump to conclusions. But if I know him half as well as I think I do he won’t lay a finger on Zekk, and if he did he knows it would be beat down time for him from me. I try to give him a warning of what he’ll find when he sees me, but I don’t think it works.

I tell Zekk Jacen’s coming and he relaxes his hold on me. He knows how Jacen can get about those kinds of things, especially around me.

Jacen kind of falls through the door right then, and I can see for a split second the stormtroopers fighting outside. He looks at me. Then he looks at Zekk. Then he faints. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised; Jacen likes to be dramatic.

One of the New Republic solders goes to revive my brother and Jacen’s awake in a few seconds. He looks kind of dazed, and sends the solders away. The leave hesitantly, but I guess my little brother took the army job he was offered when he got out of the Jedi academy, so they do as he says.

He looks at me again and clears his throat. I jump in before he can say anything. “I know it sounds lame, but this is not what it looks like.”

Jacen doesn’t look convinced. “All right, then why didn’t you two hear the alarms and run?”

Zekk looks at me sheepishly. “We were asleep.

Jacen gives him a Look. “You two were sleeping through all of that? I find it hard to believe.”

My brother’s acting much more sane than I had expected. Probably because he’s so relieved to see that I’m alive and well. “Jacen, you’ve slept through noisier battles than we just did.”

He doesn’t look convinced. I crawl out of bed to prove that there’s nothing going on with me and Zekk, although I haven’t the slightest idea on how to do so. “Jacen, you know me. You can tell certain things about me. Do you think there is any possible way that you would not know instantly if I was lying about this?”

Jacen shuffles his feet. “No.”

“Then you can relax, because you know what isn’t going on between Zekk and me.” I smile triumphantly and reach for Zekk’s hand. He pulls me closer to him, and I put my other arm around him.

He looks at us strangely. “Then what is going on?”

Zekk and I sigh. I know it’s going to be hard to explain what is going on. It takes me about an hour to do so, and Zekk is only a little help because Jacen’s still somewhat paranoid. But he accepts my explanations. Eventually, that is.

After the New Republic had taken complete control of Shadow Academy, Jacen invited Zekk and me to his ship. It’s a beautiful piece of work, the technicians let me go poking around in the engine rooms. But I didn’t stay long. Zekk was technically in custody, and I didn’t want to leave him alone for very long.

After we got to Coruscant my uncle Luke asked, and was granted, permission to take the Shadow Academy trainees back to train at his academy. That meant Zekk too, and I went with him, of course. I don’t think it will take Zekk very long to become a full-fledged lightside Jedi. When I was with him at Shadow Academy, he never used the darkside around me. In fact, rumor claimed that he only used it once, with that lightsaber incident.

I’ve started training again too. Seems like something I should do, because truth be told I wasn’t a very effective Jedi after Anja started giving me spice. Spice I no longer crave, thanks to Zekk.

Zekk and I are close friends again, the way we were back on Coruscant combined with Shadow Academy. But I don’t need him to be with me at night anymore (my tears stopped after I left Shadow Academy) and I miss him sometimes. My dad went somewhat postal when he found out how Jacen found us, so Zekk and I feel it’s better to not court death by the Falcon’s turbolasers.

Zekk’s a little hesitant about using the force. He’s worried he might go over to the darkside, but that’s unlikely. He’s knocking on my door now, we’d planned to go swimming this afternoon. We’ve got lots of time together now, without the former pressures of the Shadow Academy. I think I’ll tell him what I should have said at my mother’s banquet so many years ago. Seems appropriate, and from the way he’s looked at me lately I think he’ll be glad to hear it.

I'll think of a title for this. . . someday. One that's already been suggested is "What Happens To your Brother When He Finds You Sleeping With An Old Friend Of His That Has Gone Over To The Dark Side, Even If you Weren't Doing Anything He Still Goes Beserk".